Ramble

Sometimes I wonder if I'm happy or not. In the current state I'm in, it's hard to tell. Heck, it's even hard for me to tell if I'm lonely or not. I feel like I've thrown away a certain sense of self-awareness.. or perhaps it's more like I've stopped recognizing and thinking about those things in the level I used to before. I guess these days, those things don't matter as much to me. The thing is that when I come back to this journal, the questions of my happiness and loneliness always come to haunt me. They're the things I've gotten so used to blogging about in my life that it's been engraved psychologically to the back of my mind.

A part of me misses writing on a consistent basis. I always tell myself that one day I would come back to this LJ and write the way I WANT to, about daily life and the things that catch my interest. Games, world news, all that stuff... but whenever I do write on here, it always comes down the question of whether I'm lonely or happy. Perhaps this is because my inner feelings are things that I can write in-depth about, and I feel more comfortable doing just that. At the same time, it annoys me that that's my default mode for witing. There's a world beyond my feelings, but I guess I can't help moving too far away from that modality because it's a central aspect of my personality.

But as I sit here tonight, I wonder if there really is anything else I would want to write about? People are always telling me that I should speak my mind more, but when I do, people don't usually listen or they seem to expect something extraordinary from me. So if I did have a chance to say what I wanted to say... would it make any difference? Probably not in the scheme of things.

So why write or say anything at all? Psychologically, it's probably something like "We're social creatures, and we have an innate instinct to communicate." But no, I'm seeking an answer on a personal level? What is writing all about to me?