![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
(no subject)
Aug. 2nd, 2014 11:01 amI used to be obsessed with finding the one person in my life who would complete me. It's what drove me back then, to meet new people and push myself as I chased this ever elusive ideal. I truly believed there was a person out there that if we ever met, would somehow eradicate all the emptiness and loneliness in my life.
I was a dreamer, and it was mostly due to this dream that motivated me to keep going. I kept looking forward to the next step in my life that I would I thought would carry me closer to her.
I was filled with romantic expectation, like maybe one day, if I traveled to some far away isolated location I would meet her there like it was destiny. And after that I'd be able to start a family... and be happy. The thing is that it wasn't just about this one person, but it was about everything. I could imagine anything, and it was all possible to me. My world was infinite.
But I guess the hardest part of a good dream is when you wake up and realize that it's all it really is. I stopped believing in the idea of this one person, and in the process, I stopped looking forward to what will happen in my life. The loss of this dream made me depressed. Maybe it seems like such a drastic response, but if you can understand that that ideal was what truly motivated nearly everything in my life, maybe you can understand why I fell apart when that was taken away.
But all that was a long time ago I suppose, and a lot has changed since then. There's still a part of me that hopes every now and then, but I've learned better than to pine away at romantic thoughts. Perhaps the trickiest part is that I've never found a motivation as strong as that one used to be, and I miss that energy I used to have. I miss chasing after my dreams and believing in infinite possibilities. Simply put, I miss being a dreamer, even though I can't allow myself to become one again.
Or maybe I'm looking at this all wrong. Maybe I am and always will be a dreamer. It's just that I've stopped allowing myself to dream.
Either way though, there's a part of me that wants to start believing in things again, and it scares me.
I was a dreamer, and it was mostly due to this dream that motivated me to keep going. I kept looking forward to the next step in my life that I would I thought would carry me closer to her.
I was filled with romantic expectation, like maybe one day, if I traveled to some far away isolated location I would meet her there like it was destiny. And after that I'd be able to start a family... and be happy. The thing is that it wasn't just about this one person, but it was about everything. I could imagine anything, and it was all possible to me. My world was infinite.
But I guess the hardest part of a good dream is when you wake up and realize that it's all it really is. I stopped believing in the idea of this one person, and in the process, I stopped looking forward to what will happen in my life. The loss of this dream made me depressed. Maybe it seems like such a drastic response, but if you can understand that that ideal was what truly motivated nearly everything in my life, maybe you can understand why I fell apart when that was taken away.
But all that was a long time ago I suppose, and a lot has changed since then. There's still a part of me that hopes every now and then, but I've learned better than to pine away at romantic thoughts. Perhaps the trickiest part is that I've never found a motivation as strong as that one used to be, and I miss that energy I used to have. I miss chasing after my dreams and believing in infinite possibilities. Simply put, I miss being a dreamer, even though I can't allow myself to become one again.
Or maybe I'm looking at this all wrong. Maybe I am and always will be a dreamer. It's just that I've stopped allowing myself to dream.
Either way though, there's a part of me that wants to start believing in things again, and it scares me.
