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Unsorted morning thoughts..
Feb. 10th, 2009 05:39 amI woke up at 4:30 AM with a million thoughts in my head. I couldn't get back to sleep again.
After my grandfather passed away, I finally decided to go see a counselor. I did it on a whim, and it's actually pretty nice to be able to talk to someone about my problems. I found out that it's very hard to do that with friends/family. I only talked to my counselor once so far, and I'm scheduled to see him again on Thursday morning. I had an incredibly hard time signing myself up for the program. I guess it's because I didn't think a counselor could help me at all. I was already self-aware of my thoughts and actions.... but as I was in the session, I realized how nice it was to have someone actually validate my thoughts.
I guess this is a good time for me in some ways though. I've finally reached a point of maturity I was looking for in myself. However, there are still problems that I have to deal with that I have no control over. My dad, for instance, threatened to leave the family if I didn't graduate this coming quarter. Geez. There's a lot of pressure coming from many directions. I have this strange feeling that I might lose another person I'm close to... I know this is just a consequence of dealing with death, but it's weighing down on me hard. I now reevaluate all the relationships I have, and I realize how much they mean to me. I don't want to lose anyone else. Also, a close friend of mine is joining the navy, and I won't get to hang out with him for four years. I guess this hit me a lot harder than I thought. Right now, I do feel alone in a lot of aspects. I guess waking up in the middle of the night gives that feeling to people.
It's funny how I still think of Cami from time to time. Even now, it feels like she was the best thing that ever happened to me. I don't know if these feelings should be here. x_x Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to try things with her again. Would anything I have learned over the past several years make a difference? Would she even want to try again? It's a stupid thought, the effects of 4:30 in the morning. I guess I've learned that I don't really want a girlfriend. It's just that being with Cami was really nice. Even if she wasn't my girlfriend, I would be happy if she was a part of my life. I guess I'm just scared she doesn't want anything to do with me.
But like I said, a stupid thought for 4:30 AM in the morning. Ah, it's 6:17 AM now. Maybe I can get ready for class...
I guess what's scary is that I'm opening myself up again. A very sensitive time. If I don't foster the atmosphere for growth, I might just collapse back into my shell.
After my grandfather passed away, I finally decided to go see a counselor. I did it on a whim, and it's actually pretty nice to be able to talk to someone about my problems. I found out that it's very hard to do that with friends/family. I only talked to my counselor once so far, and I'm scheduled to see him again on Thursday morning. I had an incredibly hard time signing myself up for the program. I guess it's because I didn't think a counselor could help me at all. I was already self-aware of my thoughts and actions.... but as I was in the session, I realized how nice it was to have someone actually validate my thoughts.
I guess this is a good time for me in some ways though. I've finally reached a point of maturity I was looking for in myself. However, there are still problems that I have to deal with that I have no control over. My dad, for instance, threatened to leave the family if I didn't graduate this coming quarter. Geez. There's a lot of pressure coming from many directions. I have this strange feeling that I might lose another person I'm close to... I know this is just a consequence of dealing with death, but it's weighing down on me hard. I now reevaluate all the relationships I have, and I realize how much they mean to me. I don't want to lose anyone else. Also, a close friend of mine is joining the navy, and I won't get to hang out with him for four years. I guess this hit me a lot harder than I thought. Right now, I do feel alone in a lot of aspects. I guess waking up in the middle of the night gives that feeling to people.
It's funny how I still think of Cami from time to time. Even now, it feels like she was the best thing that ever happened to me. I don't know if these feelings should be here. x_x Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to try things with her again. Would anything I have learned over the past several years make a difference? Would she even want to try again? It's a stupid thought, the effects of 4:30 in the morning. I guess I've learned that I don't really want a girlfriend. It's just that being with Cami was really nice. Even if she wasn't my girlfriend, I would be happy if she was a part of my life. I guess I'm just scared she doesn't want anything to do with me.
But like I said, a stupid thought for 4:30 AM in the morning. Ah, it's 6:17 AM now. Maybe I can get ready for class...
I guess what's scary is that I'm opening myself up again. A very sensitive time. If I don't foster the atmosphere for growth, I might just collapse back into my shell.
