![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
(no subject)
Feb. 8th, 2009 08:37 pmIt's probably the hardest thing in the world when the one place you look for love and understanding from doesn't really understand you at all.
My dad got angry again tonight.. "Why haven't you graduated yet?! Are you lying to me AGAIN?" I told him I couldn't rush things.. "Grandfather died.. and I'm trying my best.. can't you see?" Then he said something really selfish and accusing. "What about my family? Would you cry for them as much as you cried for your grandfather?"
I cried at that point. I wanted him to understand how hard it was for me right now... and he couldn't even do that. Instead, he did the same thing he always did. He accused me.
I'm always being accused of something, or being compared to someone else. It's hard to keep my sense of self-worth in perspective. I feel like I can't really talk to my friends or family. I'm very scared to see my dad too. The old thoughts I used to have about running away come back to me now. I know I probably won't do that though, but really... sometimes I just wish someone would recognize how hard I'm trying. I don't ever brag about the things I do.. or about how hard I study, or how hard it is for me to go to class everyday, even if I do want to sometimes. I just try the best I can.
But I do feel alone now... Especially with my grandfather gone. I see my cell phone on my desk. I want to call somebody just to talk... but I don't know if anyone really wants to listen. Do people really want to hear what I have to say? No, of course not. Everyone has their own lives to deal with. The last thing I want is to force someone to listen.
The old question comes back to me tonight. "Why do I bother to try at all?"
And I answer back, "There's no good reason not to."
Even my new found inner-strength feels like it's crumbling. It took me a long time to find that strength within me, and I don't want to give it up.
......I miss my grandfather.
Listening to this song helps me puts things in perspective.. amidst all the problems that life throws..
Life goes on...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gKkL_WZ_ePk
My dad got angry again tonight.. "Why haven't you graduated yet?! Are you lying to me AGAIN?" I told him I couldn't rush things.. "Grandfather died.. and I'm trying my best.. can't you see?" Then he said something really selfish and accusing. "What about my family? Would you cry for them as much as you cried for your grandfather?"
I cried at that point. I wanted him to understand how hard it was for me right now... and he couldn't even do that. Instead, he did the same thing he always did. He accused me.
I'm always being accused of something, or being compared to someone else. It's hard to keep my sense of self-worth in perspective. I feel like I can't really talk to my friends or family. I'm very scared to see my dad too. The old thoughts I used to have about running away come back to me now. I know I probably won't do that though, but really... sometimes I just wish someone would recognize how hard I'm trying. I don't ever brag about the things I do.. or about how hard I study, or how hard it is for me to go to class everyday, even if I do want to sometimes. I just try the best I can.
But I do feel alone now... Especially with my grandfather gone. I see my cell phone on my desk. I want to call somebody just to talk... but I don't know if anyone really wants to listen. Do people really want to hear what I have to say? No, of course not. Everyone has their own lives to deal with. The last thing I want is to force someone to listen.
The old question comes back to me tonight. "Why do I bother to try at all?"
And I answer back, "There's no good reason not to."
Even my new found inner-strength feels like it's crumbling. It took me a long time to find that strength within me, and I don't want to give it up.
......I miss my grandfather.
Listening to this song helps me puts things in perspective.. amidst all the problems that life throws..
Life goes on...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gKkL_WZ_ePk
