Time goes by..

I talked to my counselor about a lot of things, and it was interesting to hear that his thoughts were along the same lines as mine. He told me I have a risk of falling back into depression, with the way things are in my life right now. My grandfather passed away, my dad is pressuring/blaming me for everything, and I'm taking a lot of hard classes. I do NOT want to be depressed again, but I know if I just let myself slip, it'll be very easy to keep tumbling down.

In all honesty, I've learned that the best way to deal with life right now is to take things one step at a time.  It can be really tough sometimes though. I really don't understand what keeps me going, and it bothers me. I don't have any long term goals, and really feels like I'm just living life day to day.  Also, if I look too far into the future, I know I will get lost. I'm not ready for that yet.

What surprises me is how I'm still doing exceptionally well. I keep up with my classes, I'm not isolating myself from my friends, and I can still smile and laugh about my day. I even started to allow myself to see myself in a relationship again. That's really a big step for me. I don't think I'm ready for one at the moment, but the possibility has opened up. This has been a very surprising time.

At the moment though, it's a little hard to identify what I want in life... but if there's something I've learned.. it's that IT'S OKAY for me to not know. The more I force myself, the more I stumble and fall.

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I'm still grieving for my grandfather at the moment. I think it's best if I can get out those thoughts.

To my Grandfather..
How is it on the other side? I wish you could send me a letter to tell me you're ok. A lot of things have happened since you left. I miss you a lot. I remember I always felt safe when you were around... but now that you're gone, I feel like it's up to me now to keep going. I still search for you sometimes.  I don't think I'll ever stop searching. The funny thing is, that I see parts of you in me, in the things I do. I guess the hardest part is not knowing if you're okay, or if my prayers and thoughts can even reach you. There are times I still cry at night because it just seems so unreal. You always cared for me, and I only hope that I made you proud. I know I'm not the ideal person, or son for that matter.... but I do try my best everyday. If I ever do meet someone I love, and who loves me back.. I'll be sure to let her know how important you were in my life. And I'll be sure to tell my children how amazing you were. If only I could tell everyone that.
I'm not sure how my life will turn out... but I will be sure to keep you in my memories.
I love you papa..
-pj