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The Weight of the Past
Jan. 15th, 2009 12:01 amIt's funny. Whenever I feel the lightest bit lonely, I have the urge to come back here to LJ and write.
School work has been keeping me busy. I came back to my apartment on Monday night around 6:00, and I immediately fell asleep on my bed. I woke up again at 11 o'clock, realizing that I still had homework that was due the next day. Lately I've been really tired, sleepy, and hungry at the weirdest times of the day. I'm a little proud of myself though. I would never have been able to keep up this schedule about 4 years ago. I would probaly just have started skipping class whenever things got too hectic. Now, I just grit my teeth and keep going.
I've been so used to using this LJ as a place to rant, vent, or complain about things.. that whenever I feel something negative, I get the need to write about it. Because of that, none of the other stuff in my life gets written about. All my happy thoughts and things that happen to me take a back seat. I guess it's part of my behavior now. This is the only part of my life where I can be open about those sad things
I guess I've come to see this journal as both a failure and success. Originally, my goal was to be able to open myself up again, but I find that things have turned out differently from that. Instead, I've learned to cherish my quiet introversion.
I find I'm not really the type who can go out and comment on someone else's thoughts. Words can only do so much... and with the online format, it's hard for me to convey the things I want to communicate. My words were forced. I suppose I'm not meant to go back to that person I was before... but I've come to realize that I don't really want to be that guy anymore. I don't need to force myself to be open and sociable. I don't need to live up to everyone's standards all the time.
This journal is a failure because I never accomplished my original goal.
This journal is a success because it helped me figure out things I never would have alone, with the help of friends of course. I realized that I wouldn't have been happy if I ever did reach my original goal...
The weight of my past is a lot easier to bear now. Anytime something goes wrong, I don't need to come running back here just to write about it anymore. But old habits die hard. When I'm tired, and it's late at night... I still have the urge to just come back here and let my thoughts flow. though.... But I think that's a good thing. It reminds me that I have a place to go to, even if it's just a small little corner of the world wide web.
School work has been keeping me busy. I came back to my apartment on Monday night around 6:00, and I immediately fell asleep on my bed. I woke up again at 11 o'clock, realizing that I still had homework that was due the next day. Lately I've been really tired, sleepy, and hungry at the weirdest times of the day. I'm a little proud of myself though. I would never have been able to keep up this schedule about 4 years ago. I would probaly just have started skipping class whenever things got too hectic. Now, I just grit my teeth and keep going.
I've been so used to using this LJ as a place to rant, vent, or complain about things.. that whenever I feel something negative, I get the need to write about it. Because of that, none of the other stuff in my life gets written about. All my happy thoughts and things that happen to me take a back seat. I guess it's part of my behavior now. This is the only part of my life where I can be open about those sad things
I guess I've come to see this journal as both a failure and success. Originally, my goal was to be able to open myself up again, but I find that things have turned out differently from that. Instead, I've learned to cherish my quiet introversion.
I find I'm not really the type who can go out and comment on someone else's thoughts. Words can only do so much... and with the online format, it's hard for me to convey the things I want to communicate. My words were forced. I suppose I'm not meant to go back to that person I was before... but I've come to realize that I don't really want to be that guy anymore. I don't need to force myself to be open and sociable. I don't need to live up to everyone's standards all the time.
This journal is a failure because I never accomplished my original goal.
This journal is a success because it helped me figure out things I never would have alone, with the help of friends of course. I realized that I wouldn't have been happy if I ever did reach my original goal...
The weight of my past is a lot easier to bear now. Anytime something goes wrong, I don't need to come running back here just to write about it anymore. But old habits die hard. When I'm tired, and it's late at night... I still have the urge to just come back here and let my thoughts flow. though.... But I think that's a good thing. It reminds me that I have a place to go to, even if it's just a small little corner of the world wide web.
