(no subject)

You know, after all this time.. I thought I would be able to prepare myself for my grandfather's passing. Yesterday night again, he was transferred to the hospital. The scariest moments are the minutes while waiting for the ambulance to come. My mom just called me a few minutes ago to tell that my grandfather is now under code blue. The only thing keeping him alive right now is the respirator..

It makes me hate being here at school at this time. It all seems stupid and useless compared to being able to be by my grandfather's side. At least there.. I can call out to him.. I can watch over. How many times has this happened... just waiting like this... waiting to hear and see if he'll be okay. 

I'm scared right now. Scared of losing one of the most important people in my life... I'm scared of not having the chance to say goodbye..

And here I am, in my apartment... just waiting for school to start tomorrow, as if nothing is happening. I know there's nothing I can do right now... and it's best if I get my mind off of things... but I don't want to think of something else. I want to hold onto my thoughts of him right now. I want to remember all the goods times I had with him. I don't want to forget. I don't want to say goodbye.Not yet.

How do people get through times like these?  Once again, I feel so useless. 
The words "Be strong" echo in my mind.
I will try.

But for now... please don't take my grandfather away from me yet. I guess that's a selfish wish... and I know it's not something I can ask for..

The happiest times for me over the past few months was when I talked to my grandfather and he responded back. I asked him if he was ok, and he said.. "Yes." Just to hear him say that was enough for me... just a small thing like that... 

I know my time with him is getting shorter, but I wish for just one moment.. I can stop time.

I just don't know how to deal with this.