There was this girl...

"There was this girl..."
Isn't that how the story always starts?

"I've forgotten how to love." I was joking about this with a friend earlier today.. but I painfully realized how true it was... When the words came out of my mouth, it didn't seem funny anymore.

I was in a pet store this week and I wanted to get a pet. However, I automatically thought.. "Why bother.. it's going to die eventually.. and I'll just be really sad.."

x_x Geez. I'm already preparing for the worst before anything starts. It shows just how pessimistic and cynical I've become. I've really become distrustful and scared of being hurt.

I'm scared to open my heart because I have a feeling that in the end.. it just won't matter. =/ I don't know why this is coming to me like a surprise. This is something I've known for a long time now. I guess just admitting it to myself is something of a shock.

I keep asking myself.. "How do I get away from these self-defeating thoughts?" Haha.. I find that perhaps... I really don't want to stop thinking like this. It's much easier being cynical and pessimistic, isn't it? It's best to avoid problems before they start..

In the end, what's it all worth?

"There was this girl..."
Maybe if there was never a girl..
I wouldn't have to live through this story..



*shakes head*
I really don't like it when I'm this way though. Cynical.. and pessimistic..
I just find that it's hard to change. I'm doing what I can. I really am! Lately I've been keeping the door to my room open. I know it's not much.. but maybe.. just maybe.. I can open up my heart a little by doing that.