"Speak Like a Child"

Last night, I suddenly recalled memories of when I went hiking with my friends one warm summer day when I was in college. Geez, I spend too much time remembering things from the past, like an old man reminiscing about his younger days. When I think about it though, I wonder if those really will be the best times in my life. Back then, school and work seemed like afterthoughts, though I'm sure saying that makes me sound neglectful. No.. it's just that those were the times that I looked forward to the most.. when I went out with my friends and we explored the world around us. That was before World of Warcraft started and consumed everyone's lives. That was before the real world hit us, when we were forced to acknowledge that life couldn't be just about having fun. I guess to me, it was like a late childhood... or perhaps more like the childhood that I was never able to experience.

I know I've said time and time again that I feel like a child. I don't feel like an adult, even though I take on adult responsibilities and I'm old enough to know better about things. Still, there's something that feels lacking in me, and I can't quite tell what it is. Maybe it's because of my "rose-colored" outlook of the world, or maybe it's because of penchant to take things at face value? Maybe it's the language I use, or the way I talk? Maybe it's an amalgamation of all these things and more. I don't know.

I do know that I tend to surprise people when they get to know me. They comment on how innocent and child-like I seem, and that bothers me. It's like people think I should know better, and that I must too sheltered or inexperienced. It's not like the world is hiding from me though.. It's right there in front of my eyes, and I see it every day when I walk down the street. I experience hurt and pain, drama and sorrow, anger and hate, just like everyone else.

I don't know how I managed to get my mind on this topic. I shouldn't let my mind wander too much.

Just letting my thoughts wander again

Ah, I miss Satoshi Kon and his artistic vision. I started watching Paranoia Agent again, which he directed, and I just recalled how exciting the concept of that anime was for me. Unfortunately as a show, I think there were a few things keeping it from really standing out from the crowd. Conceptually though, I thought it was amazing. The opening to the anime is also strangely jarring and disconcerting.

Satoshi Kon's themes usually involved blurring the line between what's real and what's not, and I find myself attracted to this sort of thing. I love movies like this, like Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, Vanilla Sky (and its original, Abre los Ojos), Blade Runner, and a few others that I can't quite remember from the top of my head. I had hoped Inception would share this pattern, but while a good movie in itself, it's very concrete in its depiction of the dream world.

The worlds in my imagination are obscure and hazy, and full of strange imagery. It's really surreal.. but not enough to reach the point of absurdity. Augh, it's so frustrating having ideas and not having a way to see them realized. I'm terrible at any sort of artistic medium, so these ideas stay hidden from my grasp, even though they're within me.  Conceptually, I see these visions in my mind, but I just can't seem to capture them. Writing seems like the only viable option of expressing these things, but my writing is so inconsistent. I guess like any other skill though, it just takes practice to develop.

Hmm.. since October, I feel like my LJ has been in a bit of a jumble. I'm using this LJ as sort of a cleansing tool to sort myself out. I'm a little scared to see where this will lead to, but I think it's slowly working. I'm starting to become more of the person I want to be. If I continue to flush certain things out, maybe I can try to be more honest with myself. I guess that's the key goal here, isn't it? No matter how tumultuous and chaotic the journey is, I hope I can see it through to the end.