(no subject)

The bowling thing with the girls didn't go through tonight because most of the girls cancelled. ^^;  So instead, I just ate sushi with some of my old guy friends from elementary school. It's usually hard hanging out with them, because the things they talk about always make me realize how off track I am in life. They're all trying to follow the "American Dream," to be successful (financially), get married, and get a house. Some of them are already getting married because "it's the age to do so."  It's a little scary. I look back on what I've been doing, and it doesn't seem like much in comparison.

But honestly, the American dream never appealed to me. People are always shocked when I tell them that I don't want a fancy car, a big house, or a trendy lifestyle. "The new iPhone? I don't really care..." This makes me seem really out-of-place. Tonight was no exception. My friends were talking about getting houses and having kids, and there I was not knowing what to say. I didn't have a girlfriend, I didn't have any interesting stories to share, and I didn't have any social contacts I could brag about.  There I was, pretending to be into my friends and their stories, but honestly, I felt like I didn't belong there at all.

I guess throughout my whole life, I never really felt I belonged anywhere. I was always searching for a place that I could call my own. Now that I've grown older... I think I've come to learn that there isn't really any place where I belong. My values and my way of thinking are just too different for the reality of this world that I'm living in. Too different for anyone to really understand or care.

It makes me feel like I can disappear at any time.
And it wouldn't matter.