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Social Apprehension? Shyness?
Jun. 5th, 2009 09:57 pmWhenever I meet someone new, I always feel this slight social apprehension. I can't tell if it's shyness or something else. I think most people would call me shy... but I've been debating the answer within myself for some time now. I was labeled shy as a kid in elementary, just because I didn't talk that much. Whenever I did talk, someone would always yell.. "OMG, HE'S TALKING!!" It was frustrating. It's like everything I did was under close scrutiny of detail. My classmates would always ask me questions I could never really answer. "Hey, why are you so shy?" or "How come you like being alone?" or "Why are you so different?"
The more they poked at me and treated me as shy and different, the more I became so. That part of me became so "known" to me because it was always brought to my attention. People would point out things I did, and it really made me self-conscious. Even stupid little things like.. "Hey, the way you sit is soooo weird!!" I started to hate people. I avoided my classmates in elementary school during recess. I sat alone at the lunch tables away from everyone, and sometimes I cried. It was lonely, frustrating, and aggravating. I guess that's when I started turning to my dream worlds. I imagined that one day I would find someone who could accept me the way I was, someone who wasn't always nitpicking at my differences.
To this day though, I still feel a little anxious whenever someone looks at me really closely. I still get remarks on how different I am.. "Wow, the way you write is so weird!" or.. "Ick, what kind of music are you listening to?" It doesn't scare me as much now whenever someone says that... but I still have a hard time replying to those things. How do you explain to someone that it's "who I am?" If I gave them the right answer, it woud probably be something like this... "Well, the circumstances in my life happened in a way that made me accustomed me to this. For example, the reason why I write my alphabetic letters in different stroke orders is because I was never formally taught how to write."
It just seems like a hassle trying to justify all that. I don't need to explain everything I do.
Although I do feel social apprehension, it tends to go away after a bit. I do have shyness, but it doesn't completely stop me from meeting or talking to the people I want to in real life. I realized this yesterday night during a small pizza party I was invited to. I was really shy at first, and I just sat down in random table with people I never met before. However, once a topic of interest came up, I started talking a lot more, and I was really open. Also, during this past year, I've felt socially more open rather than awkward. There's definitely an increased confidence about myself. I can't tell when it happened, but it did. I guess it all just depends on the circumstance and the people. Most of the time, when I don't really know much about the topic being discussed, I'll just sit quietly and listen. I guess people mistake this for being shy though.
Ah, writing it out here on LJ makes me see it with a bit more clarity now. I have a bit of shyness in me, but it doesn't stop me from having a social life. The reason I usually don't talk much is because I don't really know much about the topic or that I don't find it interesting. Oh, and sometimes the people I usually talk to love to talk a lot... so I don't really get to say much besides.. "Ah, I see.." Oh geez.. and sometimes they reference things I'm not familiar with...leaving me a bit confused trying to follow them along... but ah, I'll talk about that another time.
Online, it's a bit different. The online world used to be the place where I wasn't shy at all. I could talk to anybody I wanted to, and I could say anything! It was my haven for expression. I guess that's why I'm so frustrated online nowadays. I'm a lot shyer online then before. I made a mistake in my previous post. I said that I had a hard time opening up to people... but that's only half-true. I have a hard time opening up to people online. I'm really frustrated with this. There's a lot of potential to make more friends and gain interesting insights online.. but because of one previous bad experience, I became really withdrawn. I'm still a little angry with the person who did this to me, but I know I shouldn't be. It's been more than 5 years already... but I find that I tend to hold the worst grudges. I've forgiven her, but I haven't forgiven what she did.
Ah, this really clears up a lot of things. A lot of my frustration has to do with my shyness online rather than with meeting people face to face. I had mistakenly combined the two, but there's a really big difference. This explains a lot. It's strange when I think about it, that I'm much more comfortable meeting people face to face than online. At least I figured out that shyness doesn't rule my life, but it does in the virtual world. Funny how things have advanced to the point where online communication has become another primary mode of meeting people.... and it's funnier how some psychological problems can result from that online social world. I wonder what Freud would think about that.
I guess shyness can result from many things... Hmm, I can think about this stuff in a bit more depth, but I think that's enough for now. My cousin's graduation is tomorrow and I need sleep.
The more they poked at me and treated me as shy and different, the more I became so. That part of me became so "known" to me because it was always brought to my attention. People would point out things I did, and it really made me self-conscious. Even stupid little things like.. "Hey, the way you sit is soooo weird!!" I started to hate people. I avoided my classmates in elementary school during recess. I sat alone at the lunch tables away from everyone, and sometimes I cried. It was lonely, frustrating, and aggravating. I guess that's when I started turning to my dream worlds. I imagined that one day I would find someone who could accept me the way I was, someone who wasn't always nitpicking at my differences.
To this day though, I still feel a little anxious whenever someone looks at me really closely. I still get remarks on how different I am.. "Wow, the way you write is so weird!" or.. "Ick, what kind of music are you listening to?" It doesn't scare me as much now whenever someone says that... but I still have a hard time replying to those things. How do you explain to someone that it's "who I am?" If I gave them the right answer, it woud probably be something like this... "Well, the circumstances in my life happened in a way that made me accustomed me to this. For example, the reason why I write my alphabetic letters in different stroke orders is because I was never formally taught how to write."
It just seems like a hassle trying to justify all that. I don't need to explain everything I do.
Although I do feel social apprehension, it tends to go away after a bit. I do have shyness, but it doesn't completely stop me from meeting or talking to the people I want to in real life. I realized this yesterday night during a small pizza party I was invited to. I was really shy at first, and I just sat down in random table with people I never met before. However, once a topic of interest came up, I started talking a lot more, and I was really open. Also, during this past year, I've felt socially more open rather than awkward. There's definitely an increased confidence about myself. I can't tell when it happened, but it did. I guess it all just depends on the circumstance and the people. Most of the time, when I don't really know much about the topic being discussed, I'll just sit quietly and listen. I guess people mistake this for being shy though.
Ah, writing it out here on LJ makes me see it with a bit more clarity now. I have a bit of shyness in me, but it doesn't stop me from having a social life. The reason I usually don't talk much is because I don't really know much about the topic or that I don't find it interesting. Oh, and sometimes the people I usually talk to love to talk a lot... so I don't really get to say much besides.. "Ah, I see.." Oh geez.. and sometimes they reference things I'm not familiar with...leaving me a bit confused trying to follow them along... but ah, I'll talk about that another time.
Online, it's a bit different. The online world used to be the place where I wasn't shy at all. I could talk to anybody I wanted to, and I could say anything! It was my haven for expression. I guess that's why I'm so frustrated online nowadays. I'm a lot shyer online then before. I made a mistake in my previous post. I said that I had a hard time opening up to people... but that's only half-true. I have a hard time opening up to people online. I'm really frustrated with this. There's a lot of potential to make more friends and gain interesting insights online.. but because of one previous bad experience, I became really withdrawn. I'm still a little angry with the person who did this to me, but I know I shouldn't be. It's been more than 5 years already... but I find that I tend to hold the worst grudges. I've forgiven her, but I haven't forgiven what she did.
Ah, this really clears up a lot of things. A lot of my frustration has to do with my shyness online rather than with meeting people face to face. I had mistakenly combined the two, but there's a really big difference. This explains a lot. It's strange when I think about it, that I'm much more comfortable meeting people face to face than online. At least I figured out that shyness doesn't rule my life, but it does in the virtual world. Funny how things have advanced to the point where online communication has become another primary mode of meeting people.... and it's funnier how some psychological problems can result from that online social world. I wonder what Freud would think about that.
I guess shyness can result from many things... Hmm, I can think about this stuff in a bit more depth, but I think that's enough for now. My cousin's graduation is tomorrow and I need sleep.
