Thoughts of sadness on a warm spring afternoon...

At this moment in time... things seem somewhat...
I don't know.

Sad, I suppose.

I miss my grandfather. Not being able to hear him or tell him certain things makes me feel very empty. I sometimes have dreams of losing other people in my life, and it makes me scared. How many more times in this life do I have to go through loss?

It's a very suffocating feeling. What's the point of building up a lifetime of memories...? I think back on my times with my grandfather, and they make me happy... but at the same time, it fills me with dread that I have to live the rest of my future life without him.

And the same thing applies to all my relationships with family and friends. These relationships touch our lives... and then eventually disappear.

But I think I'm looking at this the wrong way. They don't disappear... they live on in our memories.. but these memories become heavier to carry, especially when you carry them alone. This is really hard though... Even with friends and family who support me, I can't help but feel an incredible surge of emptiness. Maybe it scares me that I feel like I really can't turn to anyone. No, that's the wrong thing to say...

I've realized that what I want from people is something they can't give me. They can't bring my grandfather back. They can't tell me that everything will be okay. They can't tell me that they understand what I'm going through. They can't tell me they'll always be there for me, because I know it's something that they can't promise.. In turn, it creates longing and sadness for something more "perfect and whole," and something that's more certain in this life.

But nothing is certain. Relationships, memories, pictures, data on the computer, material things, information... all these disappear one day.
The more you try to hold on, the more it hurts when you have to let go.

What's the one thing in this life that I can hold onto? What I can I believe in?
I ask these things silently to myself today. And I know the answer....but it's not what I want to hear.
"We all have to find out our own personal answers in this life."


Here I am.. sitting in my room on a warm spring afternoon. I find myself wishing to my hear my grandfather's voice one more time..