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Sep. 1st, 2008 10:30 pmI put on a pretty laid-back, calm face in real life... which is different from this LJ in which I'm all over the place. Each night, I'm in a different mood it seems.
Tonight I got into another fight with my dad. Again, he says how disappointed he is in me. It made me a little angry and sad.. Instead of bursting out into rage, I just nodded.. "Okay okay.. I heard you.." Everytime I come home, there's always something they find to pick on me about.
I realize I hold back a lot of my feelings... so I guess it has a tendency to all come out online. I hold back a lot of my thoughts too. All these thoughts are "behind the curtain." There's even a behind the "behind the curtain" part of my thoughts that are never spoken or typed.
Layers of protection, so to speak. I always feel like I'm hiding something, even when there's nothing to hide.
-------------------------
I always hear.. "Who cares what people think about you?"
Ideally.. it shouldn't matter, but..
When you apply for a job...
When you make new friends...
When there's a cute girl/guy you like...
As a kid, I was always used to hearing.. "you're weird" or "you're a disappointment." At the time, it didn't affect me much... but now I hear those voices and they reinforce the things I feel today. Maybe it's not so much what people actually think of you. What matters is what you think people think of you... and that's the trick to it.
There's a part of me that hates myself. I'm shy, awkward, not good with small talk, boring, I'm forgettable, a disappointment, and nothing I do really seems to matter.
But none of that is completely true. Even though I know it's not true, I still believe in it. My heart believes in it... and that is what's killing me.
-----------------------
Written 5 years ago...
"I feel really unimportant. I've always felt like this. I'm not looking for pity or remorse. I'm just looking for someone who can see what's truly good within myself. I doubt there's anybody who really can this day and age. The people who did see something in me disappeared in my life.. or aren't as strong an entity as they were before. It's that cycle which disorients me. Once people see the real me, they disappear! "
Haha.. ^_^
Nothing's really changed, has it? Maybe certain things have... but only subtly. Everything else repeats.. my words, my thoughts...
What surprises me the most is that 5 years have passed since then. I finally settled for an effing major... and it took me only 5 years in college to do it...
Tonight I got into another fight with my dad. Again, he says how disappointed he is in me. It made me a little angry and sad.. Instead of bursting out into rage, I just nodded.. "Okay okay.. I heard you.." Everytime I come home, there's always something they find to pick on me about.
I realize I hold back a lot of my feelings... so I guess it has a tendency to all come out online. I hold back a lot of my thoughts too. All these thoughts are "behind the curtain." There's even a behind the "behind the curtain" part of my thoughts that are never spoken or typed.
Layers of protection, so to speak. I always feel like I'm hiding something, even when there's nothing to hide.
-------------------------
I always hear.. "Who cares what people think about you?"
Ideally.. it shouldn't matter, but..
When you apply for a job...
When you make new friends...
When there's a cute girl/guy you like...
As a kid, I was always used to hearing.. "you're weird" or "you're a disappointment." At the time, it didn't affect me much... but now I hear those voices and they reinforce the things I feel today. Maybe it's not so much what people actually think of you. What matters is what you think people think of you... and that's the trick to it.
There's a part of me that hates myself. I'm shy, awkward, not good with small talk, boring, I'm forgettable, a disappointment, and nothing I do really seems to matter.
But none of that is completely true. Even though I know it's not true, I still believe in it. My heart believes in it... and that is what's killing me.
-----------------------
Written 5 years ago...
"I feel really unimportant. I've always felt like this. I'm not looking for pity or remorse. I'm just looking for someone who can see what's truly good within myself. I doubt there's anybody who really can this day and age. The people who did see something in me disappeared in my life.. or aren't as strong an entity as they were before. It's that cycle which disorients me. Once people see the real me, they disappear! "
Haha.. ^_^
Nothing's really changed, has it? Maybe certain things have... but only subtly. Everything else repeats.. my words, my thoughts...
What surprises me the most is that 5 years have passed since then. I finally settled for an effing major... and it took me only 5 years in college to do it...
