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Another start.
Jan. 21st, 2013 10:42 pm"What do you want most in life? Do you even have a goal?"
My dad used to ask me these types of questions all the time when he was frustrated with me and my progress as an undergrad. He would always get angry at how apathetic I seemed. I always held my tongue during those moments, unwilling to speak the thoughts in my heart. "I just want to die.." I thought. I wanted to cry my heart out and confess how hopeless and tired I felt about my life. I wanted to scream and yell and say "I give up! I just effin' give up on everything!" but all I did was stare out the window quietly, like I had nothing to say. I managed to murmur some words back to him. "I'm doing my best, okay?"
"It's not good enough," he would reply. During those moments, all I could think about was how easy everything would be if I just died right there. One single moment would have ended all the pain the future held. Nothing about me could ever be good enough for anyone. That's what I thought.
Those moments still chill me whenever I think back on them. I still hear my dad's voice echoing in the back of my mind. "What do you want most in life?" Now here I am, nearly 8 years later, pursuing an MA degree and hoping to eventually get into a PhD program. My family has backed off and everyone is saying "Yay, you're finally doing something with your life." Honestly though, it feels like just an illusion to get everyone off my back. Yes, here I am, diligently working on what I'm supposed to be doing. See? I'm getting good grades, I'm applying to different internship opportunities, I'm studying for most of my day.. yes, I'm being a good boy. This illusion is so good that even I'm starting to believe in it.
Beyond all these things though, I still feel unfulfilled. I thought that finally being able to work towards a goal would be able to appease my anxious self. This method works to some degree. I'm able to take care of my responsibilities and walk forward. Heck, it's been awhile since I actually felt like I was accomplishing something, and it feels good. In the end though, it still feels eerily empty. During the moments of solitude where I have to face who I am, the same question echoes in my mind. "What do you want most in life?"
I reply to myself. "Well, I'm working on school..." I try to avoid the question, but I can't run away from it, no matter how hard I try.
"What do you really want most in life?"
I remain silent for awhile, and I wonder if my life is really supposed to be like this, like it's one whole big search for meaning.
I smile childishly and respond.. "I'll definitely figure it out someday."
Even though I feel like I'm living in an illusion, I'll keep going, hoping that one day it would all become real. And for now, that's good enough for me.
---------------------------
Another semester is starting. My goal now is to achieve, which is one step further up than my previous goal. I don't know what challenges await this time, but all I can do is keep walking forward.
My dad used to ask me these types of questions all the time when he was frustrated with me and my progress as an undergrad. He would always get angry at how apathetic I seemed. I always held my tongue during those moments, unwilling to speak the thoughts in my heart. "I just want to die.." I thought. I wanted to cry my heart out and confess how hopeless and tired I felt about my life. I wanted to scream and yell and say "I give up! I just effin' give up on everything!" but all I did was stare out the window quietly, like I had nothing to say. I managed to murmur some words back to him. "I'm doing my best, okay?"
"It's not good enough," he would reply. During those moments, all I could think about was how easy everything would be if I just died right there. One single moment would have ended all the pain the future held. Nothing about me could ever be good enough for anyone. That's what I thought.
Those moments still chill me whenever I think back on them. I still hear my dad's voice echoing in the back of my mind. "What do you want most in life?" Now here I am, nearly 8 years later, pursuing an MA degree and hoping to eventually get into a PhD program. My family has backed off and everyone is saying "Yay, you're finally doing something with your life." Honestly though, it feels like just an illusion to get everyone off my back. Yes, here I am, diligently working on what I'm supposed to be doing. See? I'm getting good grades, I'm applying to different internship opportunities, I'm studying for most of my day.. yes, I'm being a good boy. This illusion is so good that even I'm starting to believe in it.
Beyond all these things though, I still feel unfulfilled. I thought that finally being able to work towards a goal would be able to appease my anxious self. This method works to some degree. I'm able to take care of my responsibilities and walk forward. Heck, it's been awhile since I actually felt like I was accomplishing something, and it feels good. In the end though, it still feels eerily empty. During the moments of solitude where I have to face who I am, the same question echoes in my mind. "What do you want most in life?"
I reply to myself. "Well, I'm working on school..." I try to avoid the question, but I can't run away from it, no matter how hard I try.
"What do you really want most in life?"
I remain silent for awhile, and I wonder if my life is really supposed to be like this, like it's one whole big search for meaning.
I smile childishly and respond.. "I'll definitely figure it out someday."
Even though I feel like I'm living in an illusion, I'll keep going, hoping that one day it would all become real. And for now, that's good enough for me.
---------------------------
Another semester is starting. My goal now is to achieve, which is one step further up than my previous goal. I don't know what challenges await this time, but all I can do is keep walking forward.
