Burden

I got a call from my mom today. She asked me if I wanted to move back to Los Angeles. "It doesn't seem like you're doing much there anyway. I hope you're not just troubling your aunt." This echoed a lot of my fears, and I wanted to apologize. "I'm sorry for being such a burden." Sometimes I feel like it's better if I didn't exist. I seem to cause more trouble than I'm worth. I know it's no use thinking like that, but anxious thoughts easily pervade my mind in times of weakness.

But as I look outside into the pouring rain... I wonder to myself "Just what exactly am I doing here again?" My job didn't fall through, and getting into school like this is a lot harder and more expensive than I originally thought. Along with that, my whole support group is back in Los Angeles, and I know I'd have more confidence in myself if I had friends around. So again... what exactly am I doing here in NY?

A lot of my anxiety comes from my family and their push for me to achieve something. In truth, I'd be happy living a simple life and quietly delving into my own personal interests. I'm not looking to make a name for myself, or prove myself to world. That's what my family wants, not me. The thing is, I love my family, and I feel like I can't let them down. At the same time, I can't force myself to want something that I don't really want.

This is why I don't feel like I adult. I just can't accept living a lie. I remember talking to a friend one night as he was driving me home. I asked him why he gave up on being a veterinarian, which was his dream, and instead chose to work as a businessman. He laughed when he replied back to me. "That was all it was, a dream. You have to ask yourself what's more practical in reality and choose what you need to do, not what you want to do." How very adult-like, I thought. I knew he was right, but I could also sense a feeling of sadness from his answer.

I wouldn't be able to forgive myself if I gave up on my dream like that. I realize that deep down, something's been slowly changing within me. I know what I want now. I figured it out last month while I was sick. Throughout my life though, I just never had a chance to chase after it. I want to find out if it's really meant for me. If it's not, I'll gladly give up and accept the career and life my family wants me to have. Chasing my dream is just something I -need- to do. Does doing that make me more adult-like like my friend? Haha, probably not. I'm still so much of a child. So very much so.

For now though, I'll keep that dream a secret. It's my selfish desire that I want to keep all to myself. I know my family is wondering what the heck I'm doing with my life... and I don't have the answers at the moment. But if I work on it slowly, I'll be able to show them one day. I can show them that I can accomplish something, even if it's not the road that was chosen for me.

Until then though, I'm really sorry to everyone for being such a burden. Really, I am.