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Jun. 20th, 2011 01:33 amIt's strange. For the past few months, I've been able to fall asleep as soon as I lie in my bed, but tonight my head is swirling with thoughts, stealing away the precious sleep time I have. I don't know. It may be good to try writing in LJ again for a night like this.
Well, a lot of things have been happening lately... but not really. There's nothing drastic or immediately life-changing, but there are a lot of little things that are keeping me up awake tonight. I haven't written in this LJ in a long time, mainly due to lack of time to develop any inspiration to write. I've also neglected online friends again, and I'm sorry to them.
I can't tell if my life has really changed much since I got my job. Sure, money is flowing consistently, but I don't really feel the need to buy anything. It's like the only reason I'm working is because it's required of me by family and society. There's really nothing motivating me to excel further. It's very passionless, and it's very different from the person I was back in high school. I used to be a dreamer, and the world felt so unlimited at the time. I wanted to have my own family, and become the best person I could be. Now those things feel so pointless.
I wish I could recapture who I was back then, and channel that energy towards the future. If I could only hope and dream the way that I used to, I think I would be happier. It's not like my life is terrible right now, but everyday, it's like.. "What's the point?" The crushing blow out of all this is that I feel like I've lost the ability to connect with anyone. Relationships with people are what used to give me motivation and passion in life, but now those are almost non-existent.
I suppose at this point, I'm just complaining. I'm a bit sad and lonely right now, and lying in bed isn't helping. Honestly, I've been in this strange mood all day. I feel like talking to someone... but really, what would, or could anyone say to me? "Aww, poor baby," or "Get over it, stupid," or, "That's nothing, I was depressed for five years." Those things I've all heard before. I think I just need someone to really listen to me... I mean, really listen as I work out all these thoughts, without judging. I try to listen myself, but I can't help but judge who I am. But nah, just letting my thoughts out like this for the moment is a good release. I'm feeling a little better now.
This LJ is really the only place I can talk about "me." I know I talk about myself a lot on here, but it's because I don't talk about myself anywhere else. "Why don't you talk about yourself with anyone else?" Well, I don't really feel like psycho-analyzing or psychologically assessing myself again tonight. The night isn't long enough.
Posting in LJ is like shouting out loudly in a deep, pitch-black, expansive cave. Sometimes you're just talking to nobody in particular and don't get any answers, but sometimes someone hears you and responds, even though it may not be something you want to hear. I don't know really know which I prefer.
I think I'll try going back to sleep again. Maybe I'll wake up tomorrow and realize how stupid writing all this really is, but for now.. I think I'll keep this post up. They're just thoughts for the moment, and I've had my fill of shouting into this deep, dark cave for the time being.
Well, a lot of things have been happening lately... but not really. There's nothing drastic or immediately life-changing, but there are a lot of little things that are keeping me up awake tonight. I haven't written in this LJ in a long time, mainly due to lack of time to develop any inspiration to write. I've also neglected online friends again, and I'm sorry to them.
I can't tell if my life has really changed much since I got my job. Sure, money is flowing consistently, but I don't really feel the need to buy anything. It's like the only reason I'm working is because it's required of me by family and society. There's really nothing motivating me to excel further. It's very passionless, and it's very different from the person I was back in high school. I used to be a dreamer, and the world felt so unlimited at the time. I wanted to have my own family, and become the best person I could be. Now those things feel so pointless.
I wish I could recapture who I was back then, and channel that energy towards the future. If I could only hope and dream the way that I used to, I think I would be happier. It's not like my life is terrible right now, but everyday, it's like.. "What's the point?" The crushing blow out of all this is that I feel like I've lost the ability to connect with anyone. Relationships with people are what used to give me motivation and passion in life, but now those are almost non-existent.
I suppose at this point, I'm just complaining. I'm a bit sad and lonely right now, and lying in bed isn't helping. Honestly, I've been in this strange mood all day. I feel like talking to someone... but really, what would, or could anyone say to me? "Aww, poor baby," or "Get over it, stupid," or, "That's nothing, I was depressed for five years." Those things I've all heard before. I think I just need someone to really listen to me... I mean, really listen as I work out all these thoughts, without judging. I try to listen myself, but I can't help but judge who I am. But nah, just letting my thoughts out like this for the moment is a good release. I'm feeling a little better now.
This LJ is really the only place I can talk about "me." I know I talk about myself a lot on here, but it's because I don't talk about myself anywhere else. "Why don't you talk about yourself with anyone else?" Well, I don't really feel like psycho-analyzing or psychologically assessing myself again tonight. The night isn't long enough.
Posting in LJ is like shouting out loudly in a deep, pitch-black, expansive cave. Sometimes you're just talking to nobody in particular and don't get any answers, but sometimes someone hears you and responds, even though it may not be something you want to hear. I don't know really know which I prefer.
I think I'll try going back to sleep again. Maybe I'll wake up tomorrow and realize how stupid writing all this really is, but for now.. I think I'll keep this post up. They're just thoughts for the moment, and I've had my fill of shouting into this deep, dark cave for the time being.
