(no subject)

It's actually comforting to be able to see the foreclosure letter from the bank. It's feels a lot more realistic when you're hit with a letter that says... "YOU OWE $$$$$$$$$ OR YOUR HOUSE WILL BE TAKEN AWAY."  I guess I'm dealing with the whole foreclosure a bit better now, but it still hurts. It would have been easier if this whole thing didn't drag on for several months like it did. Instead, it would have been like ripping off a band-aid, quick and painful... but at least we could have moved on to other things.

Reality is weird. Sometimes it doesn't feel like my mind has been able to comprehend all the things that have been happening. There are times I find myself thinking... "Am I really here? What's been happening? Where have I been all this time?"  It's like I blinked when I was a child and then I opened my eyes and I was already "here." It's just hard to believe... that I'm "here" in this moment.

I play out all the different scenarios for the future in my mind. I hate to sound cynical, but it all looks very... dark and hopeless. The very thought that I can see and plan my own future bothers me. It just seems like there isn't much for me that's available. All these paths and choices available now... I don't want any of them. It may be selfish of me to think like this.... but I know I want something different. Reality says I can't have what I want.... but maybe that's why reality never felt real enough to me.  My dreams were the only things that felt real enough to pursue. And now I know. Reality isn't my dream.

If I blink and close my eyes now....
how far will I be able to go when I open them again?
Will I still be "here?"