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Some doubts and fears
Apr. 13th, 2009 12:21 amEaster mass was interesting. The church was packed.. which was the opposite from every other sunday of the year. I was sitting next to some grouchy church goers. I could tell they were a bit annoyed that the mass was taking awhile to finish. I guess I've come to question my own faith now. The way people and society live now... it doesn't really fit into the Catholic religion. I find that Catholicism seems to have a hard time relating to the newer, younger generation here in the US. Then again, I don't feel like I have the whole perspective on things. I'm making this assumption based on what I see. To tell the truth, I'm beginning to lose faith. -I want to believe, not because someone tells me to. I want to believe because I know it's true...- I suppose it's natural to have doubts and fears.
Bright colors today, full of pink and light greens. Pink blossoms decorated the church, and it was nice and refreshing after the dark purple of lent. It was interesting seeing the church full of new faces, but I know next week it'll go back to the same small crowd.
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History and Systems is a challenging subject, in the fact that we're responsible for learning everything ourselves. It's an online course, so basically, we're given a book and told to "read this." Then we're tested on it. We don't have the resources to ask the questions if we need it. I just spent hours reading from the book, and I realized that I wasn't really learning from it. The material is very dense, and the concepts are confusing if you don't pay attention. No wonder I've heard bad reviews about this class. I'll do my best though... but I'm finding it really hard to concentrate recently...
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I guess I'm at the age where people start thinking seriously about marriage and children. Some of my friends keep saying how they want to do that, and it bothers me a little bit. I feel like I'm being forced into that part of life. I haven't met anyone I've felt really comfortable or compatible with for the longest time now, and it really nags at me. I'm through with questions and thoughts like.. "Am I good enough?" or "Why don't girls like me?" I'm through with that phase. Now I can't help but ask... "Why?" Do I really need a relationship.. or is it possible for me to live on alone? There's a romantic part of me that still longs for a loving companionship, but there's also the realistic part of me that says that maybe I'm just not the type of guy who can get that.
I've been keeping away from people. A lot of the girls in my classes usually initiate conversations with me, but I don't really respond with much. I don't -mean- to act cold or anything... but I really don't have much I want to say. I feel bad about it too.
I guess it's natural to have these doubts and fears, no?
Bright colors today, full of pink and light greens. Pink blossoms decorated the church, and it was nice and refreshing after the dark purple of lent. It was interesting seeing the church full of new faces, but I know next week it'll go back to the same small crowd.
------------------
History and Systems is a challenging subject, in the fact that we're responsible for learning everything ourselves. It's an online course, so basically, we're given a book and told to "read this." Then we're tested on it. We don't have the resources to ask the questions if we need it. I just spent hours reading from the book, and I realized that I wasn't really learning from it. The material is very dense, and the concepts are confusing if you don't pay attention. No wonder I've heard bad reviews about this class. I'll do my best though... but I'm finding it really hard to concentrate recently...
------------------
I guess I'm at the age where people start thinking seriously about marriage and children. Some of my friends keep saying how they want to do that, and it bothers me a little bit. I feel like I'm being forced into that part of life. I haven't met anyone I've felt really comfortable or compatible with for the longest time now, and it really nags at me. I'm through with questions and thoughts like.. "Am I good enough?" or "Why don't girls like me?" I'm through with that phase. Now I can't help but ask... "Why?" Do I really need a relationship.. or is it possible for me to live on alone? There's a romantic part of me that still longs for a loving companionship, but there's also the realistic part of me that says that maybe I'm just not the type of guy who can get that.
I've been keeping away from people. A lot of the girls in my classes usually initiate conversations with me, but I don't really respond with much. I don't -mean- to act cold or anything... but I really don't have much I want to say. I feel bad about it too.
I guess it's natural to have these doubts and fears, no?
