A dream of my grandfather..

I haven't gotten much sleep at nights lately. I toss and turn... and I can never manage to sleep for the whole night..

I had a strange dream too... a very nice one, but at the same time, a little creepy.

I had a dream that my grandfather was still alive. He had already passed away, and it had been a few days... but he suddenly "woke up." He didn't know he had died, and he was a lot like he was when I was a child. He was stronger, and his mind was more alert. However, he was still bedridden. He also looked "darker," I guess. Like he really had died, and his body had taken a big blow of the force.

But I was able to tell him a lot of the things I wanted to say. I was able to tell him I loved him, and I was a lot more open than I used to be. I was afraid if I left him though, he would die again. I was scared. I wanted to be able to protect him this time.

The dream ended with my friend driving by my house in the morning and saying, "Let's eat breakfast." As we were driving away to pick up another one of our friends, I told him to go back because I needed to say goodbye to my grandfather. As soon as I arrived back at my house, I woke up.

x_x

I think for once, I should allow myself to ditch my last class of the day. I wasn't able to finish writing my paper... I just don't have any more thoughts I can write about.

Grief / Where I Belong...

Back at home for a 3 day weekend.
Home feels like a strange place to be. Things haven't really felt "right" for awhile now. I don't really have any priorities anymore, now that my grandfather is gone. I don't need to be home every weekend to help him go to dialysis.

I can't help but wonder... "What do I do now?"
Sigh.. I'm still in a period of grief, I think. Sometimes I feel like I want to throw up.... sometimes it feels like a dream... and sometimes it seems so long ago that it all happened...

Being at home reminds me too much of him. It reminds me that he's not there anymore.
It scares the heck out of me. It's this empty space of time that used to be reserved just for my grandfather... it seems so empty. I miss him so much, and in my mind, I still replay those memories of him over and over.

I guess it's time to start focusing on my life now though. There are so many options.. so many choices I could follow... and at times I feel really alone. I need to get a job... stick with it for awhile, and then see if I want to chase after my Masters degree. In my heart though... what I really want to do is leave this city for awhile. I'd like to find my place in this world if I can. I want to see if I can make it out there on my own. There's no doubt in my mind that I can survive if I put my mind and heart into it.... but..

I want to see for myself, what I can do.