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A lot of things have been happening. I don't know how to say it. I'm beginning to see how I've changed over the past few months. Things have calmed down a bit for me. When I look back, I feel as if I used to be a simmering pot of water waiting to reach the boiling point. The little things would push me into an intense quiet rage, such as when my roommates were playing WoW all night. Now that I live alone, I have a lot of quiet time for myself. It doesn't feel quite as lonely as it did when I first started living alone this year either. I've found ways to keep myself busy at night, so I don't internalize the bad thoughts as much. Instead of not wanting to go to sleep at night (because I feel I haven't accomplished anything), I've found myself wanting to stay awake (because I want to accomplish something more). I guess that doesn't make too much sense, but that subtle difference is the reason I feel a bit more balanced in my life.
There's a drive in me that wasn't there before. It's the motivation I've been looking for. It's funny that it doesn't come from the place I expected it to come from. It doesn't come from my desire to find love, become better at piano, or to go to Japan. Nope. It's a little embarrassing, so I'll keep it to myself. It makes me laugh when I think about. It also makes me realize why these things are different for each individual. It doesn't have to be big or grand... it just has to keep you going.
That's new for me... the "not thinking about stuff" part. I used to spend hours ruminating to myself about different things. Not that I've stopped completely... I still spend a good portion of the day inside my head. I just don't do it during the time of day that I'm most susceptible to the bad thoughts - at night.
I guess after all this time, I've finally found something that I lost... inner focus. I'm in a state of mind where I can deal with things a bit easier. I feel like I'm a bit closer to seeing the big picture, but at the same time, I also have a long way to go. I still have a bit of trouble dealing with things such as nagging parents. There'll always be problems to deal with. That aside, the world doesn't seem like such a bad place right now.
There's a drive in me that wasn't there before. It's the motivation I've been looking for. It's funny that it doesn't come from the place I expected it to come from. It doesn't come from my desire to find love, become better at piano, or to go to Japan. Nope. It's a little embarrassing, so I'll keep it to myself. It makes me laugh when I think about. It also makes me realize why these things are different for each individual. It doesn't have to be big or grand... it just has to keep you going.
That's new for me... the "not thinking about stuff" part. I used to spend hours ruminating to myself about different things. Not that I've stopped completely... I still spend a good portion of the day inside my head. I just don't do it during the time of day that I'm most susceptible to the bad thoughts - at night.
I guess after all this time, I've finally found something that I lost... inner focus. I'm in a state of mind where I can deal with things a bit easier. I feel like I'm a bit closer to seeing the big picture, but at the same time, I also have a long way to go. I still have a bit of trouble dealing with things such as nagging parents. There'll always be problems to deal with. That aside, the world doesn't seem like such a bad place right now.
