(no subject)

I feel like I've changed in many ways.. through my daily thoughts and actions.

The nights I used to spend thinking to myself have lessened. It seems as though I'm keeping myself busy just to avoid thinking. I've forced myself to shut away the world. I was tired... no, perhaps I was scared... of dealing with other people. The closer I got to people, the wider the gap I saw between us.. I felt like I was living in an alien world by myself. It was then that a thought ran through my mind.... "Wherever I go, it will always be like this...I will always be alone."

So I shut myself off from the world. I would destroy my loneliness. My thoughts and my mind were then sealed away inside of me. I thought it would be better than experiencing the constant problems of dealing with people daily. I wouldn't have to deal with the sadness of human contact. I would be alone, and I would learn to love it.

And it's been like this for the past few months. A solitary life. A quiet life.
I could enjoy everything life had to offer without anyone getting in my way. Without anyone telling me otherwise, to agree or disagree. The shackles of loneliness were broken, and I could live for myself.. without waiting for someone to save me. Of course my friends still come around, but I feel like I've shut off a part of myself from them as well. Perhaps that's what makes me sad. I only seem to see the differences instead of the similarities now... Everything seems more alien... I feel like a bad person.

I don't know if this was the right thing to do. I don't feel the same sadness and loneliness as I did before, but now it's been replaced with something else... something I've never felt before in the past. I have to ask myself.. am I happy or am I sad? I can't seem to figure out the answer to that simple question. I guess it's okay if the answer is neither of those two. Perhaps the answer can never be simple for me as I keep searching for whatever it is I'm searching for.

And now I'm here at this point, in a different frame of mind and context, still searching for that answer.
Haven't I been here before....?

But I noticed... I'm starting to open up a little again...
Slowly.

(no subject)

-I used to be a dreamer. I used to see infinite possibilities. I use to believe that anything was possible.

-Used to? What happened?

-I woke up.


It seems like cynicism is born from frustrated ideals. It seems like most, if not all, cynics were once idealists themselves. It's sad. How do you find hope after losing it...and how could you accept it in your life after not wanting it there anymore?