Going to a wedding this weekend. I'm not really up for it, but my aunt wants to drag me along as usual. I don't even know the family or couple that's getting married. I think the couple is around my age, and it makes me a little queasy thinking about it. Isn't this around the age I'm supposed to get married? Once upon a time, I wanted to get married as well... but things have changed. That in itself doesn't mean much, does it? I know I'm only one of many in the world right now that's thinking.. "Why isn't life turning out the way I expected it to be?" My story isn't very different from anyone else.
しょうがない as they say. The past is done, and there's nothing we can do about it. The best we can do is turn our eyes to the future and keep going. At the moment though, the future is still so frustratingly dark and unstable. It seems like some kind of dream imagining myself being married now... and yet this weekend, I'll be seeing two people like me doing just that.
I remember in high school, my friend made a timeline of what he wanted to accomplish as he grew up. He seemed so determined to follow them through back then, and I can't help but laugh bitterly now to see how much of that has come to fruition. How much of the future can we really predict from our standpoint in life now? A lot of times it seems hopelessly... hopeless. But no, that's pessimistic of me to think like that. It's just at this moment... or rather, as I've been for a long time now.. I'm scared. There are no comforting hands to guide me and tell me that I'll be okay. Even if someone did say that to me, I would look suspiciously back at them, recognizing how uncertain the future still is.
My aunt back in LA is going to lose her house soon. They're getting ready to move, just as I did two years ago. I spent a lot of days with my family there, and it's painful to see it lost. There's a feeling of helplessness that comes as my family is swept away by the times. Rising economic prices and housing rates take their toll again. The news reports lie, don't they? "The economy is getting better." 本当に? Is that really true? How can I believe that? Who can I believe in?
Not getting married or not finding love are perhaps the least of my worries, even though they're things aimed at my heart. I question whether those are the things I really want and need in life now. I suppose troubles and concerns in general will always be present though. It's a part of me being human and being alive, but at least it's not the only thing that comes with that. At the moment, I can take comfort in the lasting power of friendship and family. And I swear, I won't give up. I'll keep holding on to my dream of a better future, and maybe with that dream, I'll find the courage to keep fighting for it.
Sounds kinda optimistic, doesn't it?
I think I'm really just looking for a reason to keep going.
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