second_flight: (Kino)
2017-04-26 03:21 pm

(no subject)

Sometimes while waiting for the subway, I like to read about politics.

second_flight: (Kino)
2017-04-24 05:49 pm

(no subject)

My days feel.. unsatisfying?
I wonder what it is that I need.

A more constant contact with friends.. perhaps. I need a reason to look forward to the end of the work day. Right now, I practically live for work. I NEED something more, but friendships in New York are too hard to make and keep. I'm usually too tired after work to make an effort to go out, which hinders things. To top it off, my aunt is very jealous of my time. Every once in awhile I go out with friends and coworkers, but the day to day grind feels draining. I relish that time I can actually go out and connect.

I need more of a connection. A lifelink to the world outside my world. Another point of view.

I'm still a little scared to put myself out there. Not because I'm scared of rejection... but because I'm scared that I'll be caught up again in something or someone. Funny thing is that's probably exactly what I need.
second_flight: (Sky)
2017-04-11 07:13 am
Entry tags:

Dream

I had a very visceral dream last night. When I woke up, I was still feeling that sense of heartbreak. So I figure I should write it down. Forgive my spelling and grammatical errors.

I was on a trip with my friends. I think it was to a small town somewhere. We were at a hotel and I met this cute and charming girl and I instantly became infatuated with her. We talked and I felt this connection between us. We talked for what seemed like days. We really got to know each other. Then suddenly, my friend, who is a charmer and fairly good looking, sees the girl I'm talking to and introduces himself. Immediately, I know what he's doing, and I instinctively feel angry, but I don't do anything about it. I look at the girl and I can tell she is enamored by him.

So little by little, I get phased out of the conversation. She nudges up closer and closer to my friend and flirtatiously touches him. My friend does what he does best, he talks and talks. The girl looks up at me and I know what she wants to say. "Thank you for introducing me to him." She thinks of me as brother rather than anything else. This breaks my heart because it's rare for me to feel a connection to someone, and here my friend comes in and treats it like another conquest of his.

I am now completely out of the conversation. I just nod my head every now and then, pretending I am listening, but I am just looking around at the hotel lobby. They move closer to each other and I can't take it anymore, so I run outside as fast as I can. I keep on running down the street. I run so fast that I start to sweat and my heart pounds in my chest. I feel this in real life too. I know this is a dream, and I try to calm my body down.

I am about to wake myself from the dream, but then I look around and I notice something strange. Around me is the street where I used to live in when I was a child. Everything is weird though. Everything is decorated up for Halloween, even though it's the middle of Spring. There are rotting pumpkins on the doorsteps, and the houses in the neighborhood seem abandoned. Everything is dark, like I am in a shadowy forest, there are dead leaves on the ground everywhere, and there are huge cracks on pavement. In the distance there is a forboding doorway that feels like it is inviting me to go inside. Funny thing is that I'm not scared. It's dark and creepy, but it excites me. I want to go inside that dark doorway and take a look. Instead though, I take pictures with my cell phone and I rush back to the hotel to tell my friends (The dream made the decision for me to go back to the hotel. I did not control where I was going).

When I get to lobby, my friend and the girl are gone. I know they went somewhere to get more privacy, and that sense of heartbreak is even stronger now.

That stupid thought comes back into my head. "Why am I never good enough for anyone else...?"

And it hurts me in real life, like a sharp spear is driven through me. It's not so much the fact I was chosen over someone else, but it was the thought that I'm never good enough if I am myself. I don't even remember about the Halloween town anymore. At this point, I wake up and I can still feel that sharp pain in my chest. My face is wet. I realize that I cried in real life.

My self-doubt is such a deep emotion ingrained within me. I was more scared of going back to the hotel instead of stepping into that dark doorway. It's harder for me to face up to the sense of loss and rejection rather than facing some dark unknown, but my dream forced me to do just that.

That feeling is going to stick with me all day. In reality though, that feeling is always with me, in the darkest shadows of my mind.

Time to go to work. It's 7 AM.
second_flight: (Default)
2017-03-29 08:19 am

Sayonara Supervisor

My supervisor is leaving for a different job, so she invited everyone out for drinks after work. I'll go and probably get drunk again. I'm going to miss her though. She was great to work with. She gave me a lot of freedom and didn't micro-manage what I did.

It's different from my other supervisor..."Ok please make an outline of your plans and a timeline of when you'll finish your work" vs. "Ok, no problem, I trust you know best."

I'm a little scared of who will take her place.
second_flight: (Default)
2017-03-27 11:05 am

(no subject)

I'm almost about a year and a half into my job, and I can't help but wonder where I'm going to go next. The only other option to go up in this job is supervisor, but nobody really wants to take that position.The director hinted that they might make a special position just for me and what I do, but I realize that whatever it is probably won't pay that well. That's the problem with working for this non-profit. I get a comparatively lower paycheck than others, but I get to do my dream of helping and working with people on a daily one-to-one basis. After more than a year of this, I can actually see the results of my intervention.

So the question is.... what next? Isn't that always the question?
second_flight: (Default)
2017-03-26 09:32 pm

(no subject)

Nothing like being drunk on the bus going home. It's a funny, surreal feeling. It rained a bit earlier, so the ground is reflecting that light orange glow from the streetlights above.

I had every chance to make a move on some women earlier. They gave every suggestion that they would have said yes to whatever I suggested, but my mind said NO. I wasn't like that, even though my body was saying YES. I listened to my head. I fought against myself, and now I go home alone like I always do.

I stare outside at the rushing asphalt below. The glowing buildings rush past by. I wonder if I'm stupid or just.... weird. I hear that any guy would jump at the chance to get into a girls pants. But I don't think that's true. I'm looking for something else.

I wish I could say I'm better than other guys out there, but I actually thought about "that,"and that bothers me a bit. I know it's only natural... but...

I suppose being drunk changes things. I will continue to fight myself until my mind, heart, and body agree. In the end, the night feels unsatsfying. Lost connections perhaps.

Maybe one day.
second_flight: (Default)
2016-10-14 04:36 pm

Reminder

It's ok to make mistakes. We are only human after all.
second_flight: (Default)
2016-10-10 12:45 am

(no subject)

I've been staring at this LJ app on my phone for the last 10 minutes. My head is full of thoughts and yet I have this hesitance to write any of them down. None of them seem tangible or strong enough to follow through on. They may as well be whispers on the wind.

A part of me is restless. I feel like I'm not doing enough, yet I also don't know what I should be doing. No matter what I throw myself into, it doesn't feel satisfying.

Ironically, my life is fairly peaceful. I fall into the same motions everyday. I go to work, I eat, I play video games, I sleep. It's definitely not a bad sort of life, but I don't feel like I'm accomplishing anything that is intrinsically worthwhile to me. It's like I'm just waiting to die, because I'm at this point where I can't imagine life getting any better.... simply because I don't know how to make it better.

Bigger house? Nah. A new car? Nah. Yes, they would make life "better" in a way, but I think they won't give me satisfaction. It's not enough of a reason to push myself. The last time I felt super motivated was when Ann was in my life. I desperately wanted to catch up to her, this girl who seemed to live such a drastically different lifestyle than me. She told me that I long since passed her professionally, but I don't know. It was never really about the status or the job positions. It was her personality that drew me to her. She showed me a life that I never imagined could exist. She was unafraid to be strong, and this made me believe that I could be myself and not be scared of who I was.

With her gone, I lost that fire that once pushed me beyond what I thought I could never do. I'm way past the point where I'm stuck on her being out of my life, but nothing has replaced the passion of living that I once felt when she was around.

I don't know what I'm chasing after these days. That's the problem. Maybe it's time to figure that out.
second_flight: (Default)
2016-10-02 12:46 am

(no subject)

It's harder making friends past a certain age. Probably because we're a lot pickier on what we want in a friend, and because of time limitations. Almost everyone I know that's my age is busy working, and the only thing they have time for is to grab a coffee (what makes it worse is that I don't drink coffee). We have to make plans based around our jobs, responsibilities, and our level of energy. It's just.... sad.
second_flight: (Default)
2016-09-26 08:23 am

(no subject)

I read an interesting article about how being an introvert over the past few years has become "cooler" in a way. A lot of people are now perfectly accepting about staying home in their pajamas while their friends go out and party. Or spending a week inside their home with their car and posting pictures all over Instagram.

The interesting thing about the article is that it suggests that this "coolness" may have overextended itself to the point that introverted tendencies are rude. Like.... putting on headphones in a situation that requires you to talk to people may seem like a good escape for an introvert, but it's also a douchey move. Basically, the article says it's ok to be introverted, but at the same time we have to be realistic about it.

I think I've pretty much accepted my introverted personality at this stage in my life, and I'm fine with that. I know the best places to hide and get away from people if I need to. However, I find that I'm actually socially competent enough to go out of my shell and reach out to people if I need to. Sometimes I am hit with a combination of shyness and asocial feelings that I just want to hide away, but for the most part, I'm surprised that I actually like connecting with people (in small spurts).

I guess what I liked about the article is that it said that we don't always know what makes us happy. It cited how most people say they would prefer to be alone during a commute, but people are often the happiest when are they are able to connect briefly with a stranger. This has happened to me a countless number of times, usually while waiting for a bus that is late. It's usually comforting to know that someone is there who is experiencing the same thing that I am.

For these past years, as I tried to define myself and make my life more concrete, I felt that I knew what made me happy. Now I'm beginning to rethink that. Maybe there's more to life that's hidden away that I don't see because I'm not actually looking at it at the right angle. There HAS to be a way to step out beyond myself, beyond this life that feels so mundane sometimes.

How do I reach that place?
second_flight: (Default)
2016-09-24 03:26 am

(no subject)

Man, the US feels really paranoid and toxic these days. Shootings and riots and bombings are almost a weekly thing, and that doesn't even include the local occurrences like gang confrontations and drug-related incidences. Feelings of racial hate have resurfaced and an air of xenophobia is slowly creeping its way around.

I feel like all of this is beyond me. I can't help it if some radicalized person wants to target me just because I live in the US, or if someone is angry at me because of my status or the color of my skin, or because of the possessions that I own. You can't very well be yourself and be innocent anymore.

To someone else that you've never met, you'll be always be the enemy, the distasteful "other," because you are you. Is that really in the nature of humanity? To hate? Funny thing is that I think the opposite can be true too. We can also love unconditionally, but even that could be a dangerous thing.

All of this makes me tired. It's so easy to feel hopeless. All I can do is live my life and defiantly show that it is worth living, even if it sometimes doesn't feel like it is.
second_flight: (Default)
2016-09-23 07:40 pm

So is this a date or....

I've been going out to stuff with this girl, but I really don't know what to think of it. The first time I met her, we kind of flirted a bit and her friends did the "awwww you two are so cute together" shtick. At the time, I was interested in getting to know her and I thought she was cute. But I was also drunk and feeling lonely at the time.

I asked her out a few times after that, but it was more in a friendly way. It was like... "Hey, you like so and so? Me too! Let's go do that sometime." We did, and it was cool, but now I'm getting a little scared each time we go out. I like being friends, and I don't want the relationship to become more. Even though I am curious what would happen if I asked her out seriously, I don't want to mess anything up between us.

Because I know getting to know someone is messy. Falling in love is messy. I'd rather not deal with that. They say it's better to have loved and lost then to not have loved at all. But I'm not scared of losing. I'm scared that I'm the one who will be doing the leaving.

Or maybe I'm misreading the whole context and this really is just a friendly thing. I really hope it's just that.

She asked me out this weekend, and I said yes. She told me she would bake cookies for me.

I'm scared.
second_flight: (Default)
2016-09-22 11:30 am

(no subject)

Sitting here at the pier watching the helicopter tours take off.

This week has been harsh. One of my supervisors passed away unexpectedly two days ago, and my friend/client's grandmother passed away this morning.

It's been awhile since I've given myself this chance to just sit, stare off into space, and think. Funny thing is that I don't know what to think about. I'm just tired.

The tide has risen a few inches since I first sat here. I have a meeting to go to in half an hour. The music from my iPhone has been on repeat for the past hour. The tourists fall in line to get to their next destination. I try to prepare my thoughts for the upcoming meeting. The music stops and repeats.

I wonder why I'm here.
second_flight: (Aurora)
2016-09-11 09:13 pm

(no subject)

I feel tired of a lot of things in life. I think I'm at that point where I've seen enough things that I don't get as easily surprised anymore. This is something I don't like about myself though. I hate this, my slightly apathetic reaction to things. I want to be surprised and inspired again. I want to believe that there's more to life than what's inside this boxed outlook I've trapped myself into.
second_flight: (Default)
2016-07-26 12:25 pm

"If you eat meat, you are probably racist..."

Back in college, I had a curious desire to be a journalist. I wanted to go out into the unknown and write truthful stories about what I saw. I didn't really consider anything else besides that. I guess it was a good thing I never got into that profession. Like everything else in life, there were deeper considerations to think about that I only realized with time. There are all sorts of politics that go with a job, and I would have hated what I would have gotten into.

It's hard to say that times have changed when I consider what media has become, because I feel like a lot of these changes are cyclical and have already occurred in the past. Certainly, things like the Internet have changed the way media is dealt with, but I think it's actually broken up media into something that's easier to consume.

Twitter, Facebook, snap chat, outlets with can require less than a minute of your time in spurts, but something which you can spend hours obsessively checking throughout the day. I feel like it's a culture of OCD and ADHD. Your news is given to you in snippets, and your attention is won by sensationalist headlines that provoke you in some way. I got burned out on news like this after going through buzzfeed a few years ago. "7 ways your Vagina is like a goddess in spring after sex with your boyfriend" or "Are you a racist? One look at this picture and we can tell!" Clickbait, they call it. I was guilty of clicking articles like these every so often because they're fast and fun to read, but after awhile I just had enough. I can't imagine writing for a world like this.

Of course, the news and media are so much more than that. I'm not saying that's all the news is today. However, I think my ire is more against the culture of how people consume news and how that shapes/reshapes how news is reported.

I started to notice that my family and friends would quote headlines rather than delving deeper into underlying motivations and problems behind a written piece. To some extent, I think that's ok. I don't think everyone has the time, desire, or need to look further. However, it felt like the only way to consume news was through what was given to you on paper. "Donald Trump is racist because we say so!" "Hilary Clinton should be in jail!" These are such definitive statements that aren't typically diligently scrutinized. Yes, they are -responded- to, but it is different from actually looking deeper into it. There needs to be...more? I'm not content with just that.

There's very little follow-up in news media. We don't have enough time to process what we hear before it is on to the next thing. Once something is reported, it's forgotten. Maybe later, on its one year anniversary, we'll see a memorial piece about the event, but there is never ever any on-going report about what is happening. Maybe because in reality, real events require periods of time to develop, but consumer-media culture can't wait that long. It needs more sensationalism, right now. More headlines. More words to fill the emptiness.

I don't have any counter-solutions to this culuture. I feel like this is just another era in an infinite cycle. Maybe one day I'll see things differently, or maybe something will shake things up. I don't think I'm the only one who feels this way in the US though, and I think the way this current election year was covered in the news will open the eyes of others. Or maybe I'm the one with my eyes closed, I don't know. It's hard to see beyond the scope of myself. Maybe, just like me, that's the way the news media is as well.
second_flight: (Default)
2016-07-20 01:37 pm

Re-examining stuff

"I'm still broken."

The last few months have been tough. I went through a slight back injury and an eye infection. I was stuck in bed for a few days and I couldn't move much without struggling in pain. One day I decided to get drunk to help me get through the day, but it just added to this intense feeling that my life sucked (even though I didn't think this was true).

I tried asking friends for help, but I didn't know how to ask, and I don't think they knew how to help me. All of them were far away, so all I could do was text or call them, and I was subconsciously angry at them for not being physically where I was. But I knew I couldn't expect more from them. Back in my mind, I knew I was angry at my life now, how I was back in the same position I was years ago without any friends who were physically present. It just added to my loneliness along with everything else that was going on in my life.

Now that my injury is gone, I'm feeling in better spirits. I haven't been drinking as much and I fixed up some other things in my life that needed fixing. I'm still sort of friendless, with the exception of one friend that I've made.

My work life is actually really good. I'm on good terms with my coworkers and supervisors. The program is going well and I'm getting good reviews. However, I think I realized I need a goal outside of work. Most of my energy has been focused on making my work goals succeed, but when I get home I'm exhausted. I don't have much to look forward to when I go home, and it literally feels like a place I stop at before I go back to work the next day. I -need- a life outside of work. When I was in school, that need was filled by going out with "A" and the rest of my friends. Now I need something else in my life, and this renewed lack of friends leaves an empty gap.

Funny thing is that I'm not alone. My phone is filled with text messages from friends far away. I just miss having a part of my life that's not restricted to a virtual world within my phone or computer..... or through the headset on my PS4.

----------------------
It's the after-lunch crash and I'm exhausted. I still have 3 hours left for work, but it's sort of a dead moment right now. I'm fighting the urge to fall asleep as I stare into my phone pretending to be busy. I figure the best way to do this is to type -anything- into my phone, and LJ is the best place to do so. This is probably the worst part of my job, when there is literally nothing to do but you are still expected to look busy. I can't wait till the school semester starts again and I can get back into the regular program.
second_flight: (Default)
2016-07-09 09:22 pm

(no subject)

But maybe I need to stop thinking that someone will save me.
second_flight: (Default)
2016-07-09 07:53 pm

(no subject)

At the moment I feel like I have no one in the world to talk to. When I tried to reach out and ask for help, none of my friends did anything. I hate this feeling. I hope things will be better tomorrow.
second_flight: (Default)
2016-07-04 12:53 am

(no subject)

Watched Fun Home yesterday. Pretty awesome musical. Currently addicted to the soundtrack.

"Telephone wire" made me cry a little bit because it's a pretty relatable moment of wanting to be open and honest.

The finale takes my breath away. "And now I'm flying away..."

I went with a friend of a friend. I didn't really know her but I felt comfortable enough to ask her out. It wasn't exactly a date, but we hung out at a coffee shop after the show and I got to know her a bit. We promised to go watch more Broadway shows together.
second_flight: (Fox)
2016-06-19 11:27 pm

(no subject)

I don't understand the loneliness I feel these days. I'm lonely but I don't really feel the need to talk to anyone or be with anyone. I'm in a semi-depressed state, coming to terms with a lot of things in life that didn't turn out the way I would have liked them to be. I'm getting by though, and the way I see it, that's good enough. I just don't understand what's eating away at me.

I'm developing habits I haven't had before. For the past two weeks, I've been drinking every night. It's not to the point of alcoholism, but I fear it might get to that point if I'm not careful. I don't even get to the point of being drunk, but it's enough to make me wonder what the heck I'm doing.

On one hand, I don't really have much to be sad about. I have a stable job and I don't have to worry about how to get my next meal. On the other hand, all the friends I made over the past few years have left. Maybe it's that I don't want to meet anyone new... I just want my old friends back.

I don't know. I can't write tonight.