second_flight: (Default)
[personal profile] second_flight
I've been staring at this LJ app on my phone for the last 10 minutes. My head is full of thoughts and yet I have this hesitance to write any of them down. None of them seem tangible or strong enough to follow through on. They may as well be whispers on the wind.

A part of me is restless. I feel like I'm not doing enough, yet I also don't know what I should be doing. No matter what I throw myself into, it doesn't feel satisfying.

Ironically, my life is fairly peaceful. I fall into the same motions everyday. I go to work, I eat, I play video games, I sleep. It's definitely not a bad sort of life, but I don't feel like I'm accomplishing anything that is intrinsically worthwhile to me. It's like I'm just waiting to die, because I'm at this point where I can't imagine life getting any better.... simply because I don't know how to make it better.

Bigger house? Nah. A new car? Nah. Yes, they would make life "better" in a way, but I think they won't give me satisfaction. It's not enough of a reason to push myself. The last time I felt super motivated was when Ann was in my life. I desperately wanted to catch up to her, this girl who seemed to live such a drastically different lifestyle than me. She told me that I long since passed her professionally, but I don't know. It was never really about the status or the job positions. It was her personality that drew me to her. She showed me a life that I never imagined could exist. She was unafraid to be strong, and this made me believe that I could be myself and not be scared of who I was.

With her gone, I lost that fire that once pushed me beyond what I thought I could never do. I'm way past the point where I'm stuck on her being out of my life, but nothing has replaced the passion of living that I once felt when she was around.

I don't know what I'm chasing after these days. That's the problem. Maybe it's time to figure that out.
Anonymous( )Anonymous This account has disabled anonymous posting.
OpenID( )OpenID You can comment on this post while signed in with an account from many other sites, once you have confirmed your email address. Sign in using OpenID.
Account name:
If you don't have an account you can create one now.
HTML doesn't work in the subject.


Notice: This account is set to log the IP addresses of everyone who comments.
Links will be displayed as unclickable URLs to help prevent spam.


second_flight: (Default)

April 2017

910 1112131415
23 2425 26272829

Most Popular Tags

Style Credit

Expand Cut Tags

No cut tags
Page generated Sep. 22nd, 2017 01:36 pm
Powered by Dreamwidth Studios