Apr. 11th, 2017

Dream

Apr. 11th, 2017 07:13 am
second_flight: (Sky)
I had a very visceral dream last night. When I woke up, I was still feeling that sense of heartbreak. So I figure I should write it down. Forgive my spelling and grammatical errors.

I was on a trip with my friends. I think it was to a small town somewhere. We were at a hotel and I met this cute and charming girl and I instantly became infatuated with her. We talked and I felt this connection between us. We talked for what seemed like days. We really got to know each other. Then suddenly, my friend, who is a charmer and fairly good looking, sees the girl I'm talking to and introduces himself. Immediately, I know what he's doing, and I instinctively feel angry, but I don't do anything about it. I look at the girl and I can tell she is enamored by him.

So little by little, I get phased out of the conversation. She nudges up closer and closer to my friend and flirtatiously touches him. My friend does what he does best, he talks and talks. The girl looks up at me and I know what she wants to say. "Thank you for introducing me to him." She thinks of me as brother rather than anything else. This breaks my heart because it's rare for me to feel a connection to someone, and here my friend comes in and treats it like another conquest of his.

I am now completely out of the conversation. I just nod my head every now and then, pretending I am listening, but I am just looking around at the hotel lobby. They move closer to each other and I can't take it anymore, so I run outside as fast as I can. I keep on running down the street. I run so fast that I start to sweat and my heart pounds in my chest. I feel this in real life too. I know this is a dream, and I try to calm my body down.

I am about to wake myself from the dream, but then I look around and I notice something strange. Around me is the street where I used to live in when I was a child. Everything is weird though. Everything is decorated up for Halloween, even though it's the middle of Spring. There are rotting pumpkins on the doorsteps, and the houses in the neighborhood seem abandoned. Everything is dark, like I am in a shadowy forest, there are dead leaves on the ground everywhere, and there are huge cracks on pavement. In the distance there is a forboding doorway that feels like it is inviting me to go inside. Funny thing is that I'm not scared. It's dark and creepy, but it excites me. I want to go inside that dark doorway and take a look. Instead though, I take pictures with my cell phone and I rush back to the hotel to tell my friends (The dream made the decision for me to go back to the hotel. I did not control where I was going).

When I get to lobby, my friend and the girl are gone. I know they went somewhere to get more privacy, and that sense of heartbreak is even stronger now.

That stupid thought comes back into my head. "Why am I never good enough for anyone else...?"

And it hurts me in real life, like a sharp spear is driven through me. It's not so much the fact I was chosen over someone else, but it was the thought that I'm never good enough if I am myself. I don't even remember about the Halloween town anymore. At this point, I wake up and I can still feel that sharp pain in my chest. My face is wet. I realize that I cried in real life.

My self-doubt is such a deep emotion ingrained within me. I was more scared of going back to the hotel instead of stepping into that dark doorway. It's harder for me to face up to the sense of loss and rejection rather than facing some dark unknown, but my dream forced me to do just that.

That feeling is going to stick with me all day. In reality though, that feeling is always with me, in the darkest shadows of my mind.

Time to go to work. It's 7 AM.

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