Oct. 10th, 2016

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I've been staring at this LJ app on my phone for the last 10 minutes. My head is full of thoughts and yet I have this hesitance to write any of them down. None of them seem tangible or strong enough to follow through on. They may as well be whispers on the wind.

A part of me is restless. I feel like I'm not doing enough, yet I also don't know what I should be doing. No matter what I throw myself into, it doesn't feel satisfying.

Ironically, my life is fairly peaceful. I fall into the same motions everyday. I go to work, I eat, I play video games, I sleep. It's definitely not a bad sort of life, but I don't feel like I'm accomplishing anything that is intrinsically worthwhile to me. It's like I'm just waiting to die, because I'm at this point where I can't imagine life getting any better.... simply because I don't know how to make it better.

Bigger house? Nah. A new car? Nah. Yes, they would make life "better" in a way, but I think they won't give me satisfaction. It's not enough of a reason to push myself. The last time I felt super motivated was when Ann was in my life. I desperately wanted to catch up to her, this girl who seemed to live such a drastically different lifestyle than me. She told me that I long since passed her professionally, but I don't know. It was never really about the status or the job positions. It was her personality that drew me to her. She showed me a life that I never imagined could exist. She was unafraid to be strong, and this made me believe that I could be myself and not be scared of who I was.

With her gone, I lost that fire that once pushed me beyond what I thought I could never do. I'm way past the point where I'm stuck on her being out of my life, but nothing has replaced the passion of living that I once felt when she was around.

I don't know what I'm chasing after these days. That's the problem. Maybe it's time to figure that out.


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