Jul. 20th, 2016

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"I'm still broken."

The last few months have been tough. I went through a slight back injury and an eye infection. I was stuck in bed for a few days and I couldn't move much without struggling in pain. One day I decided to get drunk to help me get through the day, but it just added to this intense feeling that my life sucked (even though I didn't think this was true).

I tried asking friends for help, but I didn't know how to ask, and I don't think they knew how to help me. All of them were far away, so all I could do was text or call them, and I was subconsciously angry at them for not being physically where I was. But I knew I couldn't expect more from them. Back in my mind, I knew I was angry at my life now, how I was back in the same position I was years ago without any friends who were physically present. It just added to my loneliness along with everything else that was going on in my life.

Now that my injury is gone, I'm feeling in better spirits. I haven't been drinking as much and I fixed up some other things in my life that needed fixing. I'm still sort of friendless, with the exception of one friend that I've made.

My work life is actually really good. I'm on good terms with my coworkers and supervisors. The program is going well and I'm getting good reviews. However, I think I realized I need a goal outside of work. Most of my energy has been focused on making my work goals succeed, but when I get home I'm exhausted. I don't have much to look forward to when I go home, and it literally feels like a place I stop at before I go back to work the next day. I -need- a life outside of work. When I was in school, that need was filled by going out with "A" and the rest of my friends. Now I need something else in my life, and this renewed lack of friends leaves an empty gap.

Funny thing is that I'm not alone. My phone is filled with text messages from friends far away. I just miss having a part of my life that's not restricted to a virtual world within my phone or computer..... or through the headset on my PS4.

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It's the after-lunch crash and I'm exhausted. I still have 3 hours left for work, but it's sort of a dead moment right now. I'm fighting the urge to fall asleep as I stare into my phone pretending to be busy. I figure the best way to do this is to type -anything- into my phone, and LJ is the best place to do so. This is probably the worst part of my job, when there is literally nothing to do but you are still expected to look busy. I can't wait till the school semester starts again and I can get back into the regular program.

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