May. 14th, 2016

second_flight: (Default)
I always feel a little envious of people who are really charismatic. It seems like they can appeal to people so easily, while I struggle to even introduce myself. I have a friend like this, and during college he was always surrounded by an entourage of girls. My other friends would be jealous of him, but I understood that he was always like that since I knew him as a child.

I don't think I was ever jealous of him being surrounded by women, since I always thought the types of girls he attracted were extremely vain, but I was jealous of his ability to attract people. We would go out to eat at a restaurant and he could easily charm a waitress just by being himself. Meanwhile, I felt like I was pushed off to the side, so I would have to awkwardly look at the menu pretending I was still deciding what I wanted. By the time the waitress would take my order, I felt completely neglected. "Oh right... You're here too. What would you like?"

I could never have a chance to compete with people like that. Funny thing is that he was my best friend as a child, and he eventually did hurt me in a way that scarred me for life. I eventually made up with him, but that's another story.

I guess I just wonder how much easier it could be if I could talk to people as easily as he could. If only I could shrug off my introverted tendencies, would I be happier?

Basically, I'm lonely again, even though I meet a lot of new people through my job. I just don't share a good connection with anyone. I meet people who share the same interests I do but for some reason things just don't click. I thought if I met more and more people, something might click, but nothing has happened yet.

I once thought as a child, that if you shared the same interest with someone, you would become instant friends. But obviously this isn't true.

But where else can I look for friendship? Would meeting more and more people increase my chances of making a friend? Maybe, but at this point I doubt it would happen with me.

One day my friend told me he was depressed and lonely. It bothered me that my friend who could so easily make friends with anyone could say he was lonely. But then I realized, if he has the need to surround himself with so many people all the time, maybe he really is lonelier than I was. In my eyes, he was really lucky to have that charismatic ability and had no reason to be sad, but that wasn't the way he saw it.

Maybe I'm the same way in the sense that I don't see my own strengths and can only see the gaping loneliness that's in front of me.

I just need to find a way to fill it up, not by destructive tendencies but by doing something that would let me grow. I think writing on here again is a step in the right direction. At least I'm allowing myself to talk about these things instead of pushing ahead without thinking about it like I have these past few years. I have no regrets about pushing myself, and I definitely needed to do it, but now I think it's time to reflect on stuff.

I doubt I'll have any answers soon. Maybe a few more sleepless nights will help. That nagging sense of loneliness will eventually bring me back here again.


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